Good communication is essential for a healthy relationship, yet the way communication is received varies even when the information is the same. Take cats and dogs, for example. Tail movement conveys very different messages, both for sender and for receiver. The same applies to experiencing affection. When it comes to your relationship, avoid mistaking a warning twitch for a welcoming wag, by learning which love language your partner speaks.
In 1992, counselor and speaker Dr. Gary Chapman penned The Five Love Languages to help couples determine their spouse’s specific love styles. His studies found that expressing affection in the way your partner best receives it is the “secret to love that lasts.” For Week 45 of 52 Love, identify your partner’s love language and apply your new knowledge toward greater intimacy.
In his book, Dr. Chapman details five categories: Acts of Service, Gifts, Physical Touch, Quality Time, and Words of Affirmation. When you focus on the ones less meaningful to your partner, the message may cross wires and miss its target. If you bring home an expensive gift when what your partner wants is to cuddle, you both feel unappreciated. Learning the love languages helps you communicate your affection as intended.
Expressing love in your partner’s native tongue delivers the message loud and clear. It also shows you care enough to tailor your affections toward your partner’s preferences. It’s fair to dabble in all the love languages, but if you focus on your partner’s favorites, the others will accentuate them like delicious side dishes to a hearty main course.
The best way to learn the love languages is to read the book. Full disclosure: while I stand behind the theory, the book was written with traditional spousal partnerships in mind. For a less extensive overview, review this website to get a grasp on the concept without the full heteronormative narrative or the sexist lens of its era. For the purpose of this week’s topic, I’ll list a brief definition of each.
- Acts of Service – Whether you’re assisting with chores or building a backyard gazebo, actions speak louder than words.
- Gifts – Presents signify that your partner was on your mind when you weren’t together. This may be as simple as an unexpected bouquet of flowers, or as extravagant as a luxury watch. The thought really does count.
- Physical Touch – Though lovemaking definitely falls into this category, touch doesn’t have to be sexual. Frequent contact reassures your partner of your connection.
- Quality Time – This is less about the amount of time and more about the level of focused engagement during your period of interaction.
- Words of Affirmation – Verbally assert your affection. Use words that boost your partner’s confidence.
After reviewing the definitions, analyze your partner’s responses to affectionate gestures and categorize each one. If you notice a pattern, chances are that’s your answer. It’s possible for your partner to lean strongly toward two love languages. That’s great. It gives you options. Though not explicitly stated, many of this year’s 52 Love tips fall into these five categories. When looking for suggestions, click on the tags to sort by love language.
Once you identify your lover’s specialized vernacular, list the ways you usually communicate your affection. This will help you determine if your efforts are in the right areas. It may also highlight your own love language, as many show love in the way they like to receive it.
Better yet, take the website’s couple’s quiz together. Sharing answers will clear up uncertainty and solidify awareness of each other’s preferences. Learning together offers another chance to explore the fun of Week 16. More importantly, your new proficiency will bloom into more skillful applications when expressing your love to one another. The message will root deeper and stick longer for a strong bond that endures beyond 52 weeks.
If you try this intimacy tip or have a better recommendation, let me know in the comments. For weekly suggestions on how to show your partner love, sign up for my blog, 52 Love, in the sidebar.
